My, my, how indiscreet

 I am so sick of this. I say it all the time. It's always true. NOS. Not Otherwise Specified. I am out of control. Eat eat eat eat eat eat OH SHIT purge purge purge clean up the mess, say Okay, Okay This Was Definitely The Last Time. Or worse, say, That Wasn't So Bad, I Mean, I Know I Shouldn't Throw Up, But At Least I'm Not Going To Gain Weight. Eat absolute minimum for days. Days stretch into each other. Do not know fully if it is AM or PM. Don't sleep. Meet stupid boy, use him for cocaine. Flying high. Crash. Eat. Purge. Sleep. It's unpredictable. 

I have been doing this shit for six fucking years. I'm only sixteen. In four years, I will have spent half my fucking life with an empty carton of ice cream and crumbs and leftovers ravaged about me, bent over a toilet and saying It's Worth It. I hate it. I hate this. Who the fuck am I anymore? My hands stink of bile. I threw up minutes ago. This isn't a lifestyle I can afford, financially speaking. Physically. Mentally. Literally. Figuratively. Biblically. 

And you know what? No one fucking KNOWS. My mother is under the impression I tried it like once or something and gave up and That Was The End of That. Ha. Why the fuck am I such a good liar? My throat hurts. It's raw. I don't drink orange juice anymore. Nobody fucking knows. Are they BLIND? Deaf? Perhaps mute. They all know and cannot say anything. I wish someone knew. I want to get caught with a tape measure round my waist, on the scale, I want someone to fucking find me at the bottom of this goddamn well and help me the fuck out of it. I didn't mean for it to go this far. Bulimia. Anorexia. Eating Disorders. Health Class bullshit, not something that I could ever embody. See? I'm only seven out of the eight factors on Wikipedia, therefore, to assume I have it would be to self-diagnose, which I would absolutely never do. So, obviously, I have no eating disorder.

What am I, stupid? Normal, healthy, happy people do NOT purge in bowls in the garage so that their mother doesn't wake up. They don't even use the word purge, I bet. I am unwell, sick, ill, unhealthy, under the weather, feeling a bit green, a bit peaked, nothing too severe. I wouldn't mind dying if it would make the spinning stop.

fuck it. Let it have me. Ravage my bile filled remains, see if I give a shit. Gotta die anyway. 

 146. The numbers are going downnnnn :) 

but do I trust them?

I binged and purged like hell yesterday, then got baked and ate a double cheeseburger. Then I came home and was crazy for a while, slept for four hours, and am stiiiilllllll crazy D: 




that's all, folks.

147. Thank God. 4 pounds down, maybe 16 to go (haven't decided yet)

ah well.





I don't really know anything anymore.

Yesterday my scale said 148. I'm not going to eat for a while (no set amount of time) and I guess I'll weigh myself for about three days. We have this fucked up electronic scale that really doesn't work at all-- it says my weight ranges from 130 to 151, daily-- and it said I weighed 151. I've been out of thew 150's for so long. I will NEVER go back. Thus, I go the day and those ahead without sustenance. Wish my luck.

this time, at nearly 150 lbs. Must stop this. When I wake up I will not eat, and I will not be eating until I fit into my fucking jeans again. I will not eat until goddamn it I break 130 lbs and then I will consider eating, but I will still say no and I will goddamn starve until I reach a fucking weight that doesn't make me feel like I should be harpooned.

I was better, for a moment or two, I think. I ate normally and didn't weigh myself and was able to look in the mirror and say, "damn," with more satisfaction. And that was okay. I actually fit into a size four dress today. I've never done that. I was almost an eight two months ago.

I weighed myself in my full clothing, and the scale says I'm 138 even. Maybe I'm 136 then. Point being, I want to lose about fifteen pounds... again. Sigh. I always come back to this point. It blows, frankly.

So I'm starting over. I don't think I'll eat much tomorrow. I'm not setting stupid rules for myself anymore, that shit never worked. No numbers of calories and fat grams, no specific times or lengths of day. I will just eat as little as possible, as infrequently as possible.

How have you all been? Miss me?

okay. 136.5, which is better because at my last post I was like 140 X_X

So, my mom is working all day and my dad, well I don't see him anyway, and my sister doesn't give a fuck, so I basically have no reason to eat! I bought acid this week and I'm going to do it with my friend tonight, so that will certainly be... interesting. So basically today isn't a fast day, it's an "I didn't have time for food, I forgot," day, which is great. I always fuck up fasts, but how can I possibly fuck up this? Knock on wood though, Murphy's Law and I are closer than I'd like :/

So that's all, really.

I've decided if I can just lose ten or fifteen pounds, I'll be happy, and once I get there I'll decide if I want to go further.


-Ophelia

I'm gaining

I know it

I feel it

I hate it.


I need to get back on track. Try harder. Work harder. Do better. This simply wasn't good enough.




I want to slide between the pages of my books and live there.

I'm at 140.

I swore I would NEVER be 140 again. Ugh. I'm majorly restricting this week, fasting if possible.

Intake:
25 cheez-its [150]
1 cookie with icing [80]
3 ginger snaps [84]
TOTAL: [364]

Things have gone to shit. Boyfriend and I are over for good, current love interest got back with his ex, so no luck there. I bet I could catch his eye if I were thinner, though. My dad got arrested for battery, so I've been incredibly distraught over that. We're shit poor so I might have to sell my cello or just quit orchestra and play on my own, both of which devastate me. And I've got a C in Algebra II, and I get straight A's. I have to get on top of things, starting with weight.

Bonne chance?

Ophelia

The boyfriend and I got back together, then broke up; he cheated. He begged for a second chance. Ultimately it was do I make him happy, or make myself happy? Now, neither of us are happy. I don't know anymore.

I think he's now dating the girl he cheated with.

I hate them both. Fuck them both. I hate that I want him back. I hate that I care so much. I hate how long the days are.

Love is distressing. Please don't tell me I am too young for it; I know exactly what I  felt, and what went on...

I had too much pride to stay with him.
Now I am desperate to have him say he still loves me.

I hate me more than I hate either of them.
Fuck.

Today sucks. It really, really, really fucking sucks. Here's why:

Ophelia: Hey!
Boyfriend: We should take some time off.
Ophelia: ...What?
Boyfriend: You're too much for me. I can't handle this right now.
Ophelia: ...What!
Boyfriend: I can't handle you. *goes on to say he doesn't know me anymore, I've changed, etc...* I think we should let this end now.
Ophelia: *obviously devastated* Fine. Fuck you.

Fuckkkkkkkk I'm so pathetic I was crying for hours... It would have been fucking two years for us on thursday! Two years!

So, naturally, I went home, raided the pantry, and barfed my guts up.
God, I hate me.

I have lots of geometry to do

fast week :D

138

Fuck life.

D:

fast week

luckily I'll be 130 by school. I have ten days, I can be 128 or less if I really kick my ass

which I will.

I'm not going to be this anymore, dammit.

IIIIIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMM SIXTEEN :D

I'm felling good; if I fast today, then tomorrow I'll be even less [: I might not be able to do the same the day after anyway, but I need to reach my goal, I will be in the 120s by next week, no exceptions.

<3 I can do thiiiiiis

to be like this any longer.

fasting still, but I haven't checked my weight yet, I'm nervous to. I'm halfway through my summer course, but I need to work more. I went out with the boy yesterday, took Valium and just hung out, even though I hadn't seen him in forever, but I'm currently a bit annoyed with him. Ugh, today sort of sucks. For no reason. I have to d a lot of math today, and I haven't played my cello in lifetimes...

I fast as penance for yesterday. I stayed up until past dawn, then crashed so I woke up at like 2:30 pm.. Lame. Nothing Judy Garland can't cure [: It's about to storm like mad, so I figure I'll go outside, have a cig and dance in it. Excitinggggg. Not really. I got mad at my phone yesterday and threw it,  but now I can't find it X_X stupid. I need to play my cello today; I feel electric.

Have a fantastic day, world!

Hello. Hello hello hello. I'm Ophelia. I've been lurking on LJ for a while, and now I've finally made an account... Yay? The primary purpose for this journaling thing is I've got an ED, and want to, I don't know, connect or something with other people who do, too. Which sounds sort of stupid. Like, something I'd say in group of some sort. Awkward introductions are basically amazing.

Me:
height: 5'8"
hw: 160
lw: 112
cw: 135
gw: be less than 120 by august 18, as that's when I have to go back to school... then see how it goes from there. I'd love to break 112 again.

I suppose that is all... Carry on.

I have decided to go by measurement of my waist. I have a 29" wasitline. I want it to be about 24", if not less.

I will do ab exercises and maybe some jogging, but i don't really give a shit about the rest.


I'm not letting this happen anymore.